I think I should not publish this post, but I did

Time waits for no one.

That quote might be such a representative word for this week.

I wonder why I am so easy to open up what-is-not-good-in-me-or-my-life. But that’s human. If we are not competing in showing off about whose photos show the best version of life in Instagram, we are competing in complaining about whose life is the worst in Twitter, or not?

The point is I got a bad luck. I skipped a deadline for an assignment just because I thought the deadline was at 11:55 pm. What’s weird is the whole universe seems like conspires to assure me about that (mistaken deadline time). Siapa suruh deadline gaseragam jam 23:55?!

Another bad luck point happened today.

My mother being annoying. I know it is harsh to say like that. But this time, she is, by suddenly changing her mind so my plan to see music festival becomes ruined completely. So easy for her to prohibit my sister and I going to such an event-we-have-been-waiting-for-since-like-one-month-ago i just one hour before time! It is not that pricy, it is not that special, it is not our most favorite one, but it is something we’d really want to see. Okay maybe it is because I got asleep longer than I expected. She said it has been dark to go out. She said what’s good from going there. She said tomorrow is Monday. She said we are woman – which makes me for the 123th times wonder (and maybe even wish) if-only-I-were-a-boy, if-only-I-had-a-brother, if-only-I-had-a-boyfriend. But I have been used to go home late, by my own self. It is irrational to accept what she said.

Illogic(al).

Restu Allah ada di restu orang tua. I wondered whether I fell asleep because my mom wished me not to go. Maybe she has been reluctant to allow me to go from the very beginning 😦

So I then wondered whether me being so talented in falling for stranger (or you could say to have an unrequited feeling) because she doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend (yet).

And I wondered whether my sister being stuck in applying scholarship abroad because she doesn’t want to let her go.

Ironic.

#negativityoverload

Sorry but I couldn’t sweep that thought away 😦

I used to be left for work since I was a baby, living alone at home since there are home rules I should follow. I could protect myself for these years in this-so-called comfort secure zone. After all those years, finally I come to the feeling: Duniaku sempit.

I hate it when I think like that.

I hate it when I can not not blame my parents of my tiny world, yet I couldn’t be any happier than having them in my life. What to do to have great life while having such a conservative parents but you don’t want to break their heart?

Kak Naya said, “You should negotiate with your parents.” I know not even once they are not wishing me my best, maybe they just have not understood well.

One reason why I like going home late is because it is (almost) impossible my mom will prohibit me. Being with friends completes my very-ordinary-life. I like being in campus,  also participating in almost all events I could join, also spending time out of home, also going to unknown good places. I like to discover more, discover new things around me. The point, I wish I could have life beyond ‘routine’. I wish I could rule my own life, but still, I wish I will always be optimistic to think that Allah must give the best.

Time waits for no one.

Time will not wait til I finish my assignment.

Time will not wait til I wake up from sleep.

Time will not wait til my mother not being conservative

Whatever happens, time flies.

So as a wrap, this becomes my self reminder – a hard one, that I gotta do what I wanna do as long as I am still in such a time frame where I am possible to do that.

 

Be kind, still.

But, be strong.

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