Pain from falling?

So, I can say that I like to think, including any-thing?


Well, it started when I told myself, “Don’t fall”

But then I found myself asked, “Should I fall?”

then myself asked, again, “What if when I fall I get hurt?”

and myself asked, again, once more, “What if when I fall I hurt someone?”


I suddenly thought about a kind of this question:

Bagaimana cara jatuh tanpa ada yang terluka?


Apparently, what I got so far

Srizzati said “Pain is just consequence of love”

and a friend said “Pain cannot be separated from love”


and Alain de Botton said, “Unexpectedly, love is a skill we need to learn”


So? I still don’t get it

me – masih harus belajar tapi gatau gimana


Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could

– Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

About Mood

I found this writing in my another blog’s draft.

I do really really want to speak up fill the white spaces here with my thoughts about some things related to human’s heart content, about emotion a human has.

So, it is about:

mood \ˈmüd\

Definition (Merriam-Webster Dict):   a conscious state of mind or predominant emotion

As me being older, I’m trying to maintain my good mood. It is not easy, though. Veeerrryyy not easy, I say.

Moreover, the fact that a woman sometimes be in unstable emotion due to period.

Ever been in a bad mood since your parents instructed you to do the cleaning while you were studying for exam, like for tomorrow?

I have.

But I could have just started studying days before.

Ever been in a bad mood since you had been really exhausted but there were still things to do and people near you kept pretending that there was nothing  they could help?

I have.

But I could have just asked them for a help.

Ever been in a bad mood since things didn’t go well enough, and you’d be senggol bacok to others even to those who had no correlation with why things messed up?

I have.

Well, I may say that we, ourselves, are not fully responsible whenever our plan get messed up…

In Runaway Dreams, the main character choose to have faith in herself than in fate. But as for me, I choose in between. Very greedy of me that I can’t even take one out of two. I must say that I just don’t think one is better than another. The fact is there are things we can’t control, indeed. However, on top of whatever happened, we have arranged our plan, at least. It’s not that we’re letting things go by its own. We have control to decide what we wants to do, to choose one answer out of options available between the process. Somehow, what happened are just meant to be happened. Just like that. Furthermore, reasons why one thing not going well does really have no connection with people we’d face in another thing and it’s just not appropriate to put such a bad mood towards them.

Maintaining your good mood is sometimes like putting on a show. You gotta be acting, or pretending, sometimes. Pretending that you’re okay with everything that happens around you, even the bad one, or it’s something you don’t like, or it really doesn’t suit you, is exhausting. Eventually, you’ll feel exhausted, all by yourself since others think that you’re all fine (and I’ll find myself crying inside my room with nobody standing by my side).

Well, it’s not that miserable actually. It is not that bad.

Deep inside my self is not not-good, actually.

Controlling your emotion means that you have full control of yourself, doesn’t it? It’s such a self-winning that your good side like “Whack! Whoosh! Boom!”, and it turns out that it has successfully knocked your bad side down. It will be such a relief that you prevent yourself from hurting others, and so it’s also sort of preventing you from having a guilty feeling, or maybe from being hurt in the next time. Like people say, “Be good, and good will follow.”

Still, it’s not that easy as it seems.

Yet, it may be easier as the time goes.

Ayu Fatmawati

About Haze

I rarely speak up about the issue currently happened, but as for now, I cannot hold myself to say something about it. After realizing that my love for fashion polluting water, now I have to face other sad-fact about my lifestyle.

It has been several months since the news about haze in my beloved Indonesia – Sumatera and Kalimantan – appeared. Never thought before that my need for manufactured products may be the cause of this disaster. Never thought before that my love for processed and fried food also may be its cause. As I am looking around, not only me, this habit becomes one of things people love so much.

Nah, I’m not telling you to stop eating, since who am I having control over food you eat. I know we somehow blame the government and the industry for being blinded by money, but we give our money to them. They may just fulfill our demand. We are the one can control the product we buy. The more we buy, the more they burn spacious forest area, habitat of numerous living creatures, turning it into mono-culture planted area, consists of palm only.

As I think we are well-educated enough or at least wise enough, to prefer conserving the earth we live on than following the sound of our tummy, may we be a smart consumer, may we educate others to be smart consumers. I know it is hard not to eat our favorite food, but as a human we have mind to think, heart to feel, not only desire to follow. Please, be considered that we need fresh air to breathe, clean water to live, shady trees to ensconce, and absolutely cute animals to show our next generation.

It is not the only way. There are many other ways you can do. A little action we take may contribute much for preserving this earth, for giving our (grand) children a chance to see a good world by their eyes. I know it is something we cannot realize solely, so let’s take others with us (it is the hardest part, but at least we are not quietly watching those industries degrading our lovely planet). Together, we can make it happen.

PS: Go over Google and search about Indonesian (and other countries) forest degradation, palm plantation and products, human greed’s impact on earth, and other things related and maybe you can tell the world your thoughts about it.